Realisation 6: Be "Gandalf" with your Boundaries

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Be "Gandalf" with your Boundaries!

What is a boundary?
Why do you need them?
What happens when you don’t have them?
Why they can be tough to set?

What is a boundary?

Most of us are not taught that it is ok to have boundaries, in fact that we should have boundaries.

Our boundaries tell people what is acceptable to us and what is not.

It is interesting that we all understand boundaries around property like homes and cars, we don’t take or use other peoples without their permission, we don’t enter their homes or gardens without permission, these are clearly defined physical spaces and we actually need to establish boundaries just as clear for every area of our lives.

Yet, when it comes to our personal space and what is necessary for our emotional and even physical well being, there is, for most of us, such a focus on being polite, doing and saying the right thing, keeping the peace and avoiding conflict that we are taught the opposite of establishing good boundaries! We are literally taught that anything goes and to just keep the peace.

This guide will help you work out what your boundaries are and to actually follow through and impose them.

Your Values Define You!
 It is your values that you can use to decide what you will allow in your life and who from. Your values are personal and unique to you and yours will not be someone else’s and it is not necessary for anyone else to agree with your values or approve of them! They are yours.

Stay True to You
Use your values and the boundaries that you have decided you need to impose and reinforce them unapologetically. There is absolutely no point claiming that something is important to you and then allowing someone else’s negative views on this to undermine you. Do not engage in what does not serve you and what does not feel congruous or authentic to who you are. Do not apologise or feel the need to justify what is important to you.

Be Consistent
Actions always speak louder than words and it is essential that you both say and do what you mean. This is proof of your conviction and self -belief and that you mean what you say and cannot easily be swayed or persuaded otherwise.

Your Intuition
is a powerful guide listen to what it tells you about the motivations of others when they are questioning, not respecting or trying to diminish your values, your boundaries and your reasons for having them.

 

Expect a Negative Response!

When you impose any kind of boundary you WILL get a kick back.

Just know it, expect it and do it anyway.

Why will you?

Because for those who object are doing so because, they can no longer take from you, manipulate or guilt trip you as they were.

They do not object to your boundary for anything other than the most selfish of reasons.

They are not thinking about your welfare or the wellbeing of those you love and may be trying to protect.

They have no respect for your wishes or what you want for yourself and your life.
Know this and impose your boundary in the strongest possible way.

 

You will be accused of being:

  • CRAZY,
  • INTENSE,
  • DRAMATIC,
  • TOXIC,
  • DEMANDING,
  • CONTROLLING,
  • SELFISH,
  • UNREALISTIC,
  • WEIRD,
  • INSENSITIVE,
  • MANIPULATIVE,
  • UNCARING,
  • ABSURD,
  • TOTALLY NUTS,
  • OUT OF CONTROL, DERANGED,
  • DELUDED,
  • ABOVE YOURSELF,
  • BEING DRAMATIC,
  • WANTING TOO MUCH,
  • EXPECTING TOO MUCH, 
  • NEEDING TOO MUCH.

You will be told you are being:

  • Selfish
  • Inconsiderate
  • Unkind
  • That no one will like you
  • That no one can live up to your expectations

THIS IS PURE CONTROL AND MANIPULATION AND EVERYTHING CHANGES WHEN YOU SEE IT IN THAT WAY.

Your boundaries are in fact, a reflection of the following and you can use these should you wish to explain to people why they need to respect your boundaries.

  • Because you have set such high expectations.
  • Because you have invested in yourself, worked on yourself and now understand your value and worth
  • Because you have recovered your courage and are standing up for yourself
  • Because you now refuse to be what everyone else wants and needs at your expense
  • Because you found out you’re the most important thing in your life and it doesn’t benefit them.
  • Because you now see the control and manipulation and will no longer allow it!
  • Because you refuse to follow their ideals and are creating your own reality
  • Because you are rejecting the beliefs and behaviours that have been instilled in you for years
  • Because you see yourself and your life in an expansive way
  • Because you are rejecting the limitations, imposed on you by others

They will label you in many ways, with many judgments, for a long time, but stand firm in you, in your desires  and what you have decided is right for you, your loved ones and your life.

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOUR BOUNDARIES IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!

IT IS NOT FOR ANYONE ELSE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE BEING TOO ANYTHING!

DO NOT BE SWAYED OR MANIPULATED BY THE NEEDS OF OTHERS WHEN IT COMES TO BOUNDARIES THAT YOU HAVE DECIDED ARE NECESSARY FOR THE SAKE OF YOU, YOUR PEACE OF MIND, YOUR FUTURE.

Impose your boundaries expecting and knowing that all of this will happen!

When it does, just smile to yourself because you knew it was coming.

You know the motivations of those who respond in this way and you understand totally that they do not have your best interests at heart, no matter who they are.

The people who really care about you will have the utmost respect for what you have decided is best for you.

Healthy people love the boundaries of others because it tells them who that person is! Their values, what they expect and who they need to be to be a part of that persons life.

Look out for those people, they are the ones you want to make space for in your life.

Be Gandalf with your boundaries!

Be true, strong and invincible knowing that those who object are afraid of your strength!

They try to put you down, manipulate and control you, because they fear you!

So, give them something to fear!

Difficulties With Boundaries

When you read all of the above, you know that it is true! You know that you need to impose stronger (or even some boundaries) and yet, you have been conditioned, all your life:

  • To be a people pleaser
  • To keep the peace
  • To avoid conflict
  • To believe that you are wrong
  • To accept that you are here for the benefit of others
  • To think that thew needs, wants and opinions of others are more important than yours
  • To anticipate anger, wrath, berating and criticism when you stand up for yourself.

Understand that all of this is being projected from the child you were!
The adult that you have become has nothing to fear because people can no longer treat you as they once did.

As an adult you are safe!

  • You are in your own environment meeting your own needs
  • You have value and worth
  • You have experience, knowledge and information now
  • You have freedom to leave!

Freedom to protect yourself

Everything you need to REJECT and NOT LET IN the KICK BACK that happens when you impose a boundary.

How to not let it in!

Information that you receive from your environment or those around you, only affects you to the point where it seems to confirm something that you already think about yourself.

If it seems totally alien to you, does not make sense at all, then you will simply reject it as not making any sense.

If someone told you the sky was green, it would not occur to you that it might be true!

You would simply think they were mistaken (drinking? Smoking? Colour blind)

You need to take the same approach when you impose your boundaries.

To know with absolutely unshakeable certainty that this is right for you, that you have every good reason to do what you are doing and that certainty will allow you to reject the objections of others.

 

You might be asked by some people to justify your boundary,

YOU DO NOT NEED TO!

You can also reflect back to them their responses:

  • Why do you say that?
  • Why do you think that?
  • Why do you object so strongly?
  • I am sorry you feel that way but, this is right for me.

They will probably try to tell you:

  • I am saying this because I care about you
  • I don’t want you to end up with no friends
  • I don’t think you understand the consequences
  • I don’t want you to make a mistake
  • I don’t think you know what is best for you.

 

Just know that those who truly care about you will love your boundaries!

  • Respect you for knowing what is right for you
  • Appreciate that they know clearly understand what you need.
 
 
 
 

How to become an ACE boundary setter.

No-one ever said that setting boundaries was easy but, it is necessary, in so many situations and with different groups of people in your life so, whether it is your  romantic partner, family member, co-worker or boss, this step by step guide will allow you to show up in a whole new way feeling CERTAIN, SURE and EMPOWERED and use this information to reassure yourself that you are NONE of the things that people will accuse you of. 

Checklist (Pre Session)

  • Complete the Core Values worksheet 

  • What are deal breakers for you where there is no leeway?

  • What must you absolutely have in your life?

Post Session

Combine all that we have discussed about boundaries and values and start to think about the areas in your life where you now understand that you need to impose boundaries. Make a note of what they are.
  • Why do you need the boundary?
  • What will be the affect of not having the boundary?
  • What problems do you for see?
  • Who is involved
  • Which values do you absolutely need to protect?

Use the template opposite or a piece of paper to jot down your notes.