One of the biggest problems you will face with your relationships between the sexes is that you will so often, miss the mark when it comes to communication. This is not your fault but, unless you have actually had some training or studied the differences on how we communicate, it will be a source of frustration for you. Once you understand it you can work with it, rather than fight against it. So let me explain as best I can in a few short sentences.
I am directing this at the men so they understand how this is for us women. Ladies, you will no doubt acknowledge the truth of what I am saying here. You will have experienced this, over and over.
As women we get so frustrated that men seem not to listen to us! Almost invariably men listen for a very short time and then they interrupt, giving us what they think is the solution to whatever we were saying. This is because biologically and instinctively men are driven to solve problems so, they look for them and jump right in to solve them. Even where they do not exist!
Here is how that seems to a woman.
1. We did not want a solution, we just wanted you to listen.
2. Because you interrupted you did not hear that we did not even have a problem, you invented one in your answer.
3. You were so eager to solve the problem, you were not actually listening at all, just formulating an answer.
4. Sometimes you reply and we take your answer as if you have heard us but then later on you have no idea what was said and we know once again that you were not listening.
5, When you constantly interrupt what we are saying we feel insignificant, as if what we are saying has no value.
6.When you do not listen you miss out on the opportunity to meet a need that we actually do have but, you miss it because you are not listening.
Learning to listen: Let a woman finish what she is saying and then think about what she has said and what she
is asking for. This is one of the hardest things for a man to do. Every woman loves a man who will actually listen. As it is part of my relationship coaching my own husband has done a lot of work around this subject and yet, it is an area we are constantly working on. I still regularly say “You interrupted me” or ” can I finish” or, if he gives a solution where none was needed I might say ” “That is not what I was going to say” or even “I don’t need a solution, I just need you to listen”
There is no point getting angry or frustrated about this! most men don’t know they do it. When they do it is better to work with them to gently point it out. It is instinct, don’t fight it, just understand it so you do not feel hurt, put down or insignificant when it happens. However, with awareness you should also expect co-operation regarding this! When you gently point out to a man what he has done, there is no point him then being defensive which is why how YOU handle it, makes all the difference and why what I teach is around how just 1 partner can make a huge difference to any relationship.
Now that I have made you aware of this, ladies, I am sure you can relate to this but, maybe will be more aware now and men, start to pay attention to this! Your relationship will benefit from letting your woman know that: She is heard, what she has to say matters and that she is important.
I hope this throws just a little light on this complicated and complex topic.