Step off the Roller Coaster of Narcissistic abuse…

This is partly autobiographical, partly drawn from learning from my own life and the experiences of my clients, their triumphs and their struggles.

It is a depiction of the realisation that you are worth so much more than you currently have and accept for yourself.
Everything you need is already within you so bide your time, observe and learn; how to remove the supply and take back your power. 
Yes! Your power, that which you already have within you.
You have just buried it for a while but, like all treasure it is just waiting for you to dig deep and find it again.

You can, and you will overcome this.

I will never forget the day I realised that I actually had more power and control than he did, I understood he was being  driven by irrational fear and suddenly his words became irrelevant and, I felt nothing but contempt for him, his words and behaviour.
As I sat there listening to his ranting tirade that came out of nowhere
Chaotic, Incomprehensible, Nonsensical he seemed to shrivel to nothing before my eyes.
I actually felt sorry for him! Because It dawned on me how small he really was I saw where he was coming from, his own insecurities and sense of lack in every single way.

I sensed his fear and self loathing 

All being projected onto me, in the form of extreme control, manipulation and verbal abuse but,

What I also, suddenly knew for sure was that a man as weak as that, had no power!

He had to be in charge because I was actually too much for him!

Yes! I felt the shift, 

Better, stronger bigger in every possible way 

I am too much for him!

So, he has to try and diminish me
To put me down and keep me small
The only possible reason he has for doing that is that I am in fact 
So much more than he is!
He is afraid of me
So, he attacks first, consistently, constantly, relentlessly
My primal fear system constantly alert to danger
Anxious, on edge, alert, waiting for him to pounce
So, there is no peace, ever, for either of us.
But, now, a shift and I sense that there will be peace, eventually, for one of us , For me because now I can see! 

The veil literally melted away when I realised that he needs a supply!
He is nothing without it.
He needs a reaction to keep things going, needs me to respond
He needs me to talk back, to argue, to add fuel to his pointless fire.
If I sit here and say nothing, cool as a cucumber
Calmly listening, internally incredulous at his every word knowing that every word he says is crap.
Feeling so much disdain and disappointment realising that I can see right through everything that he is.
All I have to do is keep quiet and he loses control the very thing he fears most.

In my head I am elsewhere, He is ranting and raving and I am quiet and still he thinks I am meek, cowed, broken, destroyed but I am none of those.
I am clear, calm and rational, using my resources to rebuild!
So sad and disappointed that anyone should live their life so entrenched in fear, criticism, judgement and a desire to destroy!

With a total absence of any joy, love and a motivation towards pleasure.
Finally he stops, looking at me for a response which I choose not to give him.
In words I say nothing but inside I am rejoicing
Because now I know so, I understand that now I have the power, the control!
He can say whatever he wants but, in my head I can turn it around
Block it out, or better still reflect it back.
In this moment I take a monumentous leap and I choose me.
I choose me and I say “Why are you speaking to me like that”
Then I notice it, the confusion, yes, the anger but, the resignation
He knows with my words that he has lost!
If his words no longer destroy me and words are all he has then what can he do?

He has no character

No inner strength or sense of self to fall back on so, in one sentence he is defeated!
He rallies with another tirade and once again, I am unmoved
In my estimation he rapidly sinks lower and I wonder how I never saw it before.

But, what has been seen cannot be unseen
The more he says, in an attempt to draw me, in the less I say 
his words and accusations get more and more pointless
Nastier, cruel, irrelevant as he unwittingly reveals more and more of his meagre and inadequate self.
The more strength, confidence and self esteem I develop! As I listen, watch, observe and learn
He literally feeds me! As the tables turn  and my abject abhorrence of who and what he is, fuels my own sense of being so much more than he can ever be.
I am everything he is not and what is now known can never be unknown.

My questions get brave
Why are you being so selfish
Why are you never grateful
Why are you so unhappy?
Why are you still in this relationship

Then as he blames it all on me of course, I ask my master piece
So, why are you still here?????
Then I totally floor him with, you are right, I am everything you say, useless, stupid, lazy, I get that so (I can say this because I know that I can be right or, I can be happy and, I choose to be happy! And
why do I care what a weak and foolish individual thinks of me?)

Why are you still here?
I just don’t understand why, if I am all of those things, I get everything wrong, all of the time nothing is every right for you, I make you so unhappy so, Why are you still here?
Then, just as expected he says
“Because no one else would have you”
I have been anticipating this so I say
“You don’t need to worry about that, I don’t actually want anyone else because I know that I am enough!

Me not having anyone else is not your concern! Or for you to worry about, I will be fine”
He can barely hear these words as he knows that he would never say them!
He will never feel that he is enough.
He will always need  and will always BE a victim BUT
That does not need to apply to me.
This is just the beginning, Not the end!
My beginning
His end.

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