Breaking the Pattern of Narcissistic Abuse
A breakthrough scenarios for those caught up in narcissistic abuse is when you realise that you are repeating a pattern!
You may have a whole string of narcissistic relationships before you even realise what is happening (I know I did! )
Once you do realise that this is a pattern, it is a huge awakening but, an empowering one.
An empowering one because if it is a pattern then the common denominator is you!
And the person who can do something about it, is also you!
Maybe for you it has been just one relationship but, you realise that you are repeating a pattern that you learnt in childhood!
That your parents/caregivers were narcissists or had some very narcissistic behaviours and you are now repeating, as an adult, what became so familiar as a child.
Not that you need to blame yourself, this is not about blame! Blame does not lead us anywhere, ever.
Blame just leads to more anger, hurt and resentment for you and has no role in the healing process.
It is an empowering moment because you realise that you are a part of this, you have a role to play and, now that you know that, you can start to understand the dynamics of what is happening and why and, most importantly you can start to bring about the change that you know is necessary to break this cycle.
If you keep doing the same things that you have always done, you will undoubtedly get the same result so, you need to become the change that you want to see.
I know that EVERYTHING in my long term (25 years) narcissistic marriage, changed when I saw things for what they were!
I accepted my role, what I was bringing to the scenarios and how I could change that and create an entirely different result. Was it all my fault? NO but, I was definitely facilitating some of what was happening and recognising that was a game changer.
You would think that after the horrors and the devastation, on all levels, of a narcissistic relationship we would steer clear of them, dust ourselves off, lesson learned and seek something entirely different but, in fact that is not what usually happens and until someone has done the deep healing work, not only of understanding and recognising a narcissist but, of working on themselves, creating a foundation that is built on their own high self- esteem, self -confidence and self -belief then everything remains in place for the next narcissist to find the weak points, exploit those and to lure you in as their new prey!
So, why does this keep happening and, most importantly what is it that you need to do to break these very unhealthy patterns.
As a clinical hypnotherapist my focus is always on the subconscious rules and patterns and it is by using these that I help my clients gain greater depths of understanding and healing so they can finally break the toxicity and devastation of narcissistic abuse.
Key concepts that you need to understand:
Their Traits are Familiar!
Whether it serves and supports you or not, the subconscious loves what is familiar! We are all automatically drawn to what is familiar, rather than what might be best for us, part of the healing work is learning to recognise this and become discerning between what is simply familiar and what a much better thought process or course of action might be.
The familiarity is created in childhood, sometimes by parents/caregivers who are narcissists or have strong narcissistic traits and other times inadvertently by parents who may have been well meaning but, in that process were controlling or had very narrow views that they wanted you to conform to. Even if they believed this was in your best interests, it does not negate the devastation that it causes when you are taught that you must conform, there their way is the only right way, that you cannot trust yourself and that you need to be guided and must do what others tell you.
Sometimes this is done unintentionally from a place of love or even ignorance, we have to remember that our care givers are also repeating the patterns that they learnt, other times it is done with malice, full of anger, criticism, judgement and a real desire to keep you small, to take away your sense of yourself and to sim ply control and manipulate.
Unfortunately, whatever the motivation or intention, the outcome tends to be the same and you learn that your role is to be submissive, you question your judgement, your value and your worth. You learn to set what is important to you aside and to do and be exactly what other people want and need.
You do not need me to point out to you how this sets you up to be drawn to the familiarity of narcissistic abuse!
It is so familiar that you do not even question it, maybe you do not even know that anything else is possible and even when you do witness it in other relationships you tell yourself that that kind of love, respect, partnership etc is just not available to you, or, that you do not deserve it.
This thinking will be aligned with everything that you have been taught to think about yourself and it leads to hopeless acceptance as you believe that you are powerless and that all of this is happening to you and it is simply how things are.
Love Bombing Feels Good!
Unfortunately narcissists can seem very attractive in the beginning. They are often larger than life characters who, in some ways, promise more!
Being with them just feels great, offers a sense of status and security and in being drawn to their “Greatness” you get blindsided and overlook the red flags, which are undoubtedly there, you just don’t want to see them! Or, again, they are so familiar that you do not even know to look out for them.
A narcissist likes things to move very fast and to draw you in, will absolutely shower you with compliments, gifts, their time, anything and everything to let you know that you are different, the best, the most important. It feels as if you have been put on a pedestal! You belong, you are lovable, you can connect, you are safe!Your body reacts by releasing whole host of hormones and chemicals, oxytocin, endorphins, pheromones, dopamine which all feel amazing and you very easily get drawn in.
Unfortunately this phase does not last long! and before you know it the tables are being turned on you.
What was seemingly so amazing about you such a short time ago is now subject to criticism and judgement. In your euphoric state you are very vulnerable, desperate to retain and maintain what you have been experiencing so you accept the criticism, anger, resentment, whatever is levelled at you and you simply try to conform and be what the other person says they now need. In an effort to keep what you thought you had and to appease the other person, you lose all sense of yourself.
What you do not know, until it is too late is that it does not matter what you do, you cannot keep hold of what you had for a while because it was not real!
It was a short term manipulation to reel you in as narcissistic supply.
That is the hard truth and reality of love bombing!
It feels good but, in reality is short lived and deadly.
You do not Accept Yourself
I tend to use the word accept because so many people struggle with the concept of loving themselves. It is such a long way from how they truly feel about themselves that it is just too big a concept to grasp. Acceptance just seems easier.
The weakness in your armour and one that the narcissist is very adept at seeking out and exploiting, is the fact that you do not love, accept or believe in yourself. You do not trust yourself or see your value and worth for its own sake, You only see your value in what you achieve, how you look or what you can do for others, all a product of how your childhood taught you to view yourself.
To the narcissist, this is a goldmine because they know that you are seeking validation from outside of yourself, that you need the permission and validation of another person and are very susceptible to being told how/who you should be, what is acceptable and what is not.
You are seeking connection and acceptance and they know how to make you feel that you have found that (love bombing)
If you were full of self- confidence, self- belief and self acceptance, you would not be swayed by the words or actions of the narcissist. In fact you would very easily recognise them because they would react strongly to your certainty in your self, your boundaries, your opinion and just your energy and vibration would warn a narcissist to stay away.
They would sense that you were not vulnerable, not open to being manipulated but, are very much your own person, certain and sure of yourself, grounded in your own values, hopes and dreams and when they sense this the narcissist backs off knowing that you are not the prey that they seek.
So the key to breaking this pattern/habit is:
Understanding and recognising the childhood experiences that have made this familiar and therefore acceptable to you.
Become aware of love bombing, that it is intentional and short lived
Learn to accept and love yourself so that the narcissist is not drawn to you in the first place
(I also teach a concept whereby you learn how you are drawn to the narcissist too but that is a whole topic in itself!)
All of the above and so much more, create the foundation of the work I do with my clients to help them fully recover from the devastating affects of narcissistic abuse and to break those patterns for good.
I developed a particular technique to help people heal rapidly from the impact of all trauma and it is that methodology Total Transformation Technique that you can experience in my healing community “The Rose”
My programs have helped 00s of people and are available for a very small monthly fee, rather than $00s
My core program NARS Narcissistic Abuse Recover System, which would usually cost $997 is available in that community, included in that small monthly fee.
Click here to find out more about “The Rose” A truly unique community of: healing, connection, support acceptance and so much more..
Within this community I have created a recovery blueprint for you. It is the pathway, the journey that I know you need to take. I developed it based on my own healing journey and that of the 00s of clients that I have helped so far, along with my professional experience and expertise as a clinical hypnotherapist, specialising in trauma and abuse.
Your journey can start today with a very inexpensive and simple subscription to “The Rose”
You can find out all the detail here and if it is not for you then I truly hope you find what will support you on your healing journey.